The Onion

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Chinas Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is 00:00 Tools
New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less 00:00 Tools
Temp Puts Extensive Knowledge Of Alphabet To Good Use 00:45 Tools
U.S. Teens Lead World In Pregnancy-Test Scores 00:51 Tools
Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ 00:41 Tools
Rules Grammar Change 00:50 Tools
Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts 00:57 Tools
Wife's Shortcomings Laid Bare By Female Sportscaster 00:50 Tools
Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness 00:38 Tools
Attempted Murderer Gave It His Best Shot 00:48 Tools
Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage 00:44 Tools
'Demography Today' Magazine Targets Demographer Demographic 00:48 Tools
FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful 00:39 Tools
Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse? 02:05 Tools
Couple Upstairs Going At It Again 00:39 Tools
Animal-Control Officer In Way Over His Head 00:54 Tools
Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito 00:36 Tools
Coca-Cola Scholarship Just 15 Cases Of Coke 00:51 Tools
Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable' 00:51 Tools
New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers 00:59 Tools
Christ Returns To NBA 00:59 Tools
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard 01:13 Tools
Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes 01:13 Tools
Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported 00:47 Tools
Emoticon Typo Commits Woman To 2nd Date 00:59 Tools
Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids 00:53 Tools
Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee 01:13 Tools
DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack 00:39 Tools
Area Man Goaded Into Climbing Mt. Everest 00:53 Tools
Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work 00:53 Tools
New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke' 01:02 Tools
Company's Sexual-Harrassment Policy Targets One Employee 01:02 Tools
Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene 00:48 Tools
Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat 01:02 Tools
Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room 00:39 Tools
Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable 01:02 Tools
Species Makes Unwelcome Comeback 00:39 Tools
Passed-Out Guy On Front Lawn Better Not Be Dead 00:54 Tools
NASA, NASCAR Merge 01:13 Tools
Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport 01:13 Tools
New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free 01:13 Tools
Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever 01:13 Tools
Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work 02:30 Tools
Man Born To Party Dies Partying 00:39 Tools
DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico 00:44 Tools
Exxon Paleontologists Call For Increased U.S. Fossil Production 00:44 Tools
Muppeteer's Right Hand In Critical Condition Following Elmo Assassination Attempt 00:44 Tools
Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer 02:49 Tools
Former Kitten Actor Struggles With Catnip Addiction 00:44 Tools
Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair 00:44 Tools
Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video 00:38 Tools
Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator 00:38 Tools
Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine 2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby 02:05 Tools
357 Maharishis Missing, Feared Dead In Astral Plane Crash 02:05 Tools
Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature 02:05 Tools
Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris 02:05 Tools
Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire 02:05 Tools
Bush, Al-Zeidi Tour World Recreating Shoe-Throwing Incident 02:24 Tools
New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion 02:49 Tools
Primatologist Dethrones Alpha-Male Baboon 02:49 Tools
Coffee Roaster Tries To Come Up With Patriotic Blend 00:54 Tools
Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate 01:44 Tools
President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath 00:49 Tools
Wal-Mart To Employ 80,000 Iraq War Veterans As Greeters 01:44 Tools
Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars 00:49 Tools
Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions 00:49 Tools
Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck 00:49 Tools
Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage 00:49 Tools
Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face 00:49 Tools
Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T. 00:49 Tools
Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus 00:49 Tools
Homeless To Phase Out Dimes By 2011 00:49 Tools
VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill 00:43 Tools
Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive 00:43 Tools
Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar 00:53 Tools
Unidentified Source Never Knows When To Leave 00:43 Tools
Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What? 00:43 Tools
Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams? 00:43 Tools
Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings 00:43 Tools
Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together' 00:43 Tools
Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size 00:43 Tools
Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq 00:43 Tools
In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks? 00:43 Tools
Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up 00:43 Tools
Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked 02:19 Tools
Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker 02:29 Tools
Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail To Explode Inside Targets 02:29 Tools
Whale Christ Feeds Whale Masses With Single Krill 00:51 Tools
Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen 02:19 Tools
Scientists Say Lifelike Pleasure-Bot Nowhere Near Tested Enough 00:51 Tools
Congressmans War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed 02:19 Tools
Chinese Stuff Live Panda Into Time Capsule 00:59 Tools
Area Man Overcomes Relaxing Battle With Sedatives 02:29 Tools
More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas 00:54 Tools
Furniture Store Owner Assumed Family Would Be In Commercials For Free 00:46 Tools
17-Year Locusts Can't Believe Red Hot Chili Peppers Are Still Around 00:45 Tools
Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape Of Dragon 00:46 Tools
Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse 00:53 Tools
Rookie Defense Attorney Takes Overruled Objection Personally 00:53 Tools
Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP 00:51 Tools
Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing 00:53 Tools
Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk 00:51 Tools
New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time 00:53 Tools
Man Dies After Long, Painful Battle With Life 00:51 Tools
Last Mozzarella Stick Sacrificed In Herculean Display Of Good Manners 00:51 Tools
Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities 00:51 Tools
Hopeless Romantic Beaten Up By Coworker's Husband 00:45 Tools
Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg 00:47 Tools
Pollster's Wife 'Somewhat Dissatisfied' With Her Marriage 00:47 Tools
Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads 00:47 Tools
Heaven To Return 3.6 Billion Souls For Rejudging 00:47 Tools
Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her 00:54 Tools
Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women 00:54 Tools
Abstinence-Only Education Ruined By Trip To Zoo 00:52 Tools
Obese BIllionaire Opens World's Largest Gravy Park 00:54 Tools
Roomba Continues Gathering Evidence Against Human Captor 00:54 Tools
Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks 00:54 Tools
Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa 00:59 Tools
Fight On Top Of Moving Train Not Looking Good For Area Villain 00:59 Tools
Aging Seeing-Eye Dog Purchases Seeing-Eye Squirrel 00:49 Tools
Man Says This Is The Year He Stops Eating Bologna 00:59 Tools
How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat 00:59 Tools
Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gasoline 00:50 Tools
Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act 00:59 Tools
Arthritic Driver Finally Flips Off Pedestrian 00:50 Tools
Old Sheriff In Town Doing Perfectly Adequate Job 00:49 Tools
School Board Votes To Allow Teasing Of Area Sixth-Grader 00:49 Tools
Area Man Less Capable Than Own Watch 00:54 Tools
Moment Of Silence Interrupted By New Tragedy 00:49 Tools
Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting 00:49 Tools
How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine 00:54 Tools
Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization 00:49 Tools
Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings 00:42 Tools
Area Man Tests Limits Of Human Stomach 00:45 Tools
Transplant Recipient Still Getting Feel For New Pancreas 00:45 Tools
East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women 02:18 Tools
Paranoid Optimist Thinks Everyone Is Out To Get Him A Present 00:53 Tools
Water Park Promises More Fun Than Water Capable Of Delivering 02:18 Tools
Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals 00:53 Tools
Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way 00:39 Tools
Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out US Assholes 00:53 Tools
Letter D Pulls Sponsorship From Sesame Street 00:49 Tools
How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son 00:49 Tools
Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner 00:55 Tools
Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter' 00:55 Tools
How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers? 00:56 Tools
Times Square-Themed Store To Open In Disney World 00:55 Tools
Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's 00:55 Tools
Binge Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Orleans Journal Of Medicine 00:44 Tools
Airport Security Pig Finds Concealed Truffles 00:45 Tools
Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist 00:56 Tools
NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams 00:56 Tools
Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere 01:01 Tools
Legendary Duck Survives Another Hunting Season 00:56 Tools
Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes 01:03 Tools
Brilliant Scientist Trying To Get Word Out About Penis-Enlargement Breakthrough 01:01 Tools
US To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com 01:01 Tools
Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just for Woman He Follows 01:01 Tools
Coalition Of Hobos, Raccoons Collapses Over Meaty Bone 01:01 Tools
Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show 01:01 Tools
Area Man Wants Something Made Out Of Titanium 01:01 Tools
Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech 01:01 Tools
Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night 01:01 Tools
NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions 01:01 Tools
Heartbroken Demolitions Expert Throws Himself Into His Work 01:01 Tools
White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase 01:01 Tools
In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze? 01:01 Tools
Fat Family Has Fat Pets 01:01 Tools
Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday 00:48 Tools
God Re-Floods Middle East 00:46 Tools
God Recalls Tracheas Of Millions Of Indonesians 00:46 Tools
Amateur Metallurgist Always Ready To Melt Things Down 00:49 Tools
Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks 00:42 Tools
Area Grasshopper Kind Of A Thorax Man Himself 00:44 Tools
Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire 00:43 Tools
Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season 00:43 Tools
Christian Loan Shark Prays For Strength To Break Another Thumb 00:43 Tools
U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt 00:53 Tools
Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture? 00:50 Tools
Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence 00:43 Tools
Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor 00:39 Tools
DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room 00:39 Tools
Surprise Witness Punches Out Prosecutor 00:39 Tools
Aunts And Stepdads Line Up For This Year's Hottest Gift: The Electric Tea Kettle 00:39 Tools
Area Hunchback Has Voice Of Television Announcer 00:54 Tools
8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese 00:54 Tools
Red Sox Announce Plans To Return Fenway To Original 1912 Conditions 00:50 Tools
Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie Use 00:50 Tools
Local Man Glad To Find There Was Nothing Personal Behind Murder Of Family 00:52 Tools
Area Hunter Only Does It For The Jerky 00:50 Tools
Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game 00:50 Tools
Eskimo Chef Works Magic With Blubber, Moss 00:50 Tools
Area Man Mows Around Dead Body 00:50 Tools
Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting 00:48 Tools
Police On Lookout For Poorly Drawn Man 00:48 Tools
Meat Shelf Breaks Free Of Iowa 00:48 Tools
Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation's Porn From Future Generations 00:48 Tools
134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error 00:48 Tools
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs 00:44 Tools
Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier 00:48 Tools
Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea 00:48 Tools
President To Face Down Monster Attack, Own Demons In Action-Packed Schedule 00:48 Tools
Urinator Apprehended 00:49 Tools
Guy At Bank Has Weird Hair For Guy Who Works At Bank 00:53 Tools
In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume 00:49 Tools
Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past 8 Years 00:49 Tools
Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible 00:47 Tools
Man Gives Up Trying To Get Coat Back From Former Girlfriend 00:54 Tools
Alcohol-Themed Bar Opens 00:49 Tools
Evander Holyfield To Box Horse For Heavyweight Title 00:54 Tools
BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS 00:54 Tools
Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public 00:54 Tools
Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman 00:54 Tools
Plan 'L' Switched To 00:50 Tools
In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole? 00:50 Tools
New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other 00:50 Tools
Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village 01:00 Tools
Hamm's Beer Bear Found Dead In Flop Zoo 00:53 Tools
NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line 00:50 Tools
Kentucky Violated NCAA Rules While Recruiting Basketball-Playing Dog 00:53 Tools
Area Fry-Cook Learns Leaving Restaurant Industry Isn't That Easy 00:47 Tools
Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down 00:48 Tools
Visible Panty Line Discussed Like It's Cancer 00:43 Tools
Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite 00:44 Tools
Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor 00:44 Tools
Spokeswoman Gives Birth To Spokeschild 01:03 Tools
Do-It-Yourselfer Drywalls With His Gut 00:44 Tools
Area Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers 00:46 Tools
India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India 00:41 Tools
Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store 00:55 Tools
Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans 00:55 Tools
Man On TV Urges Mass Purchase Of Listerine 00:55 Tools
Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 6 Years 00:53 Tools
Man Defends Cartoon Character With Unexpected Vigor 00:48 Tools
Miss Teen U.S.A. Declares Herself Miss Teen U.S.A. For Life 00:35 Tools
Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV 00:53 Tools
New Bill Will Send Illegal Immigrants To Iraq 01:00 Tools
Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding 00:53 Tools
Drew Barrymore's New Tell-All Coloring Book Hits Shelves 01:00 Tools
Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle 00:50 Tools
NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts For Rigors Of An Interview With Larry King 00:50 Tools
Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming 01:00 Tools
Horrifying Clamato Nursery Discovered In Mott's Dungeon 00:48 Tools
Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him 00:45 Tools
New Colored Light Added To Traffic Signals 00:53 Tools
Bomb Squad Member Takes 7 Hours To Open Birthday Present 00:53 Tools
New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears 00:53 Tools
Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner 00:53 Tools
Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Hand Job 00:53 Tools
YouTube Contest Challenges Users To Make A 'Good' Video 00:53 Tools
Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed 00:37 Tools
Doyle Redland Says Goodbye 00:53 Tools
International Community Worried For France After An Impulsive Alliance With North Korea 00:44 Tools
National Science Foundation: Science Hard 00:44 Tools
Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze 00:44 Tools
SeaWorld Whales Demand 10 Percent Chum Increase 00:44 Tools
Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist 00:44 Tools
U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter 00:44 Tools
Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day 00:55 Tools
Pope Announces Plan To Build Moon Vatican 02:17 Tools
ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn ACLU Headquarters 00:36 Tools
Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python 00:40 Tools
Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again 00:33 Tools
Cindy McCain Claims Shes Just Like Any Other Female Human 00:40 Tools
New Portable Sewing Machine Lets Sweatshop Employees Work On The Go 01:01 Tools
New Cereal For Poor Stays Crunchy In Water 01:01 Tools
Christian Rockers Deny Kicking Ass 00:40 Tools
Area Pie Hole Shut 00:33 Tools
U.S. To Slow Down Relationship With Uruguay 01:01 Tools
Insurgent Secretly Terrified Of Winning Control Of Iraq 00:40 Tools
Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay 00:42 Tools
Violent Sausage Storm Grounds Nation's Airlines 00:42 Tools
Economists Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close To Collapse 00:42 Tools
High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships 00:42 Tools
Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency 00:42 Tools
Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism? 00:56 Tools
Obama Undertakes Presidential Internship To Ease Concerns About His Lack Of Experience 00:42 Tools
Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars 00:42 Tools
Report: Sorry No Longer Cutting It 00:56 Tools
Money Storm Hits Palm Springs 00:42 Tools
In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized? 00:56 Tools
Area Bass Player Fellated 00:56 Tools
Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans 00:56 Tools
Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are 00:56 Tools
Christian Porn Film Climaxes With Birth Of Child 00:55 Tools
Abusive Obsessive-Compulsive Has To Punch Wife Exactly 20 Times 00:54 Tools
Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat 00:55 Tools
Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve 00:58 Tools
Was There Too Much Sex And Profanity In The HBO Presidential Debate? 00:54 Tools
Beloved Minister Dies Just As He Lived—Of A Heart Attack 00:37 Tools
President Obama To Win Back U.S. Debt From Chinese In Double-Or-Nothing Card Game 00:37 Tools
Scientists Combine 20 Tiny Dogs To Make Reasonably Sized Dog 00:58 Tools
Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest 00:49 Tools
Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers 00:58 Tools
'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft' 00:49 Tools
Church Canceled Due To Lack Of God 00:49 Tools
The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap? 02:08 Tools
Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands 00:46 Tools
24 Million Potential Brides Discovered In China 02:08 Tools
Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything' 00:52 Tools
Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South 00:46 Tools
Relaxation Tape Can't Play Any Louder 00:52 Tools
Farm Subsidy Blown On Farming 00:51 Tools
Condoleezza Rice To Voyage East 00:52 Tools
Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life 03:00 Tools
O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica 00:46 Tools
Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters 00:46 Tools
Lord Answers Bible-Camp Counselor's Prayer For Safe And Enjoyable Hike 01:01 Tools
Giant 6-Year-Old Devastates Local Ant Community 00:51 Tools
U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan 00:46 Tools
18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harrassed In Workplace 00:46 Tools
China Launches First Willing Manned Mission Into Space 00:52 Tools
In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit? 00:52 Tools
Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait 00:52 Tools
USDA Official Takes Courageous Stand Against Interstate Countercyclical Potato Pricing 00:52 Tools
Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain 00:52 Tools
Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast Of Maine 00:52 Tools
U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan 00:52 Tools
Man Being Dragged By Bus Leaves Hilarious Phone Message 00:53 Tools
'No Values Voters' Looking To Support Most Evil Candidate 00:53 Tools
Local Teen To Explore Own Body 00:53 Tools
Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State 00:53 Tools
Long-Time Recreational Eater Turns Pro 00:52 Tools
Half Of Japanese Legislators Admit To Undergoing Cybernetic Improvements 00:53 Tools
Ghost of Anne Frank: 'Stop Reading My Diary' 00:44 Tools
Dream About Walking Around With No Pants In Supermarket Finally Comes True 00:44 Tools
John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian 00:44 Tools
Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity 00:44 Tools
Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta To Ground 00:44 Tools
Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile 00:44 Tools
Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized 00:49 Tools
New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products 00:56 Tools
USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family 00:56 Tools
Extreme Weather Alert: Meteorologists Predict Intensely Brisk Autumn 00:56 Tools
How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side 00:48 Tools
Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate 00:49 Tools
Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction 00:56 Tools
Area Beehive Not Ready For Democracy 00:56 Tools
Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' From Recipe That Came To Him In A Dream 00:56 Tools
Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs 00:46 Tools
Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck 00:56 Tools
Sea-Going Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment 00:46 Tools
Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts 00:55 Tools
Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet 00:46 Tools
97th Birthday Celebrated With Nurses Who Just Happened To Be On Duty 00:46 Tools
Pressure Of Sustaining Most Of The World Taking Its Toll On Rice 00:46 Tools
9 Drawn And Quartered At Renaissance Fair 00:46 Tools
12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams 00:46 Tools
Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse To Kentucky Derby Win 00:46 Tools
Pentagon Engineers Develop New Diplomacy Bomb 00:35 Tools
Nation's Grandparents Voice Concern Over Reading-Light Levels 01:00 Tools
Bankrupt Motivational Expert Adds Failure To Vocabulary 00:35 Tools
Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat 00:35 Tools
Roommate Eats Emergency Preparedness Kit 00:50 Tools
McCains Economic Plan For Nation: 'Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress' 01:00 Tools
Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses 01:00 Tools
What Should Have Been Waffles Eaten For Breakfast 00:49 Tools
Jewish Texans Commemorate HolocaustTexas-Style! 00:50 Tools
Miracle Powder Turns Water Into Delicious Fruity Drink 00:56 Tools
Last Great Party Of Man's Life Results In First Child 00:56 Tools
Convenience Of E-Mail Takes Up 30 Percent Of Area Man's Work Day 00:55 Tools
U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out 00:50 Tools
Clothing Catalog Creates Unrealistic Expectations For Shirts 00:52 Tools
Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk 00:56 Tools
Celebrities Seize Africa 02:25 Tools
FDA Approves Napalm Breast Implants 00:46 Tools
EPA Puts Good, Single Men On Endangered Species List 00:45 Tools
Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister 02:17 Tools
Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody 02:17 Tools
Prince Charles Brutally Seizes British Crown 00:55 Tools
State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack 00:54 Tools
Doctor-Patient Relationship Getting Serious 00:46 Tools
Congresswoman Says Botched Plastic Surgery Most Important Issue Facing U.S. 00:46 Tools
TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults 00:46 Tools
In The Know: How Can We Make The Iraq War More Handicap Accessible? 00:00 Tools
New Senate Bill Tests Through The Roof 00:46 Tools
Frito-Lay Scientists Discover Cheesium 00:00 Tools
Burger King Unveils New Low-Fat Cashier 00:33 Tools
Survey: Positive Things Better Than Negative Things 02:17 Tools
President Obama Frustrated By Repairs To Dirt Bike One 00:00 Tools
Horrific 120-Car Pileup A Sad Reminder Of Princess Dianas Death 02:17 Tools
Santa Succumbs To Multiple Strains Of H1N1 Flu Virus 02:17 Tools
MIT Mad Scientists Say Corpse-Reanimation Still 10 Years Away 02:17 Tools
Faith-Based TV-Repair Shop Severely Backed Up 02:17 Tools
Millions Die Domesticating Bloodthirsty Cow 02:17 Tools
New Robot Salesman Practically Sells Itself 02:17 Tools
Yankees Building New Vacation Stadium In The Hamptons 02:17 Tools
Russia Finds Missing St. Petersburg 02:17 Tools
NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast' 02:17 Tools
Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics 02:17 Tools
'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man 00:51 Tools
John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight 00:00 Tools
Study: Nearly 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night 02:17 Tools
Childless Couple Seriously Thinking About Abducting 00:51 Tools
Today Now!: How To Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election 00:00 Tools
Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes 00:00 Tools
Sports Drinks Face Competition From New Sitting-On-Couch-Watching-TV Drinks 00:51 Tools
Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into Forest 00:00 Tools
Bush Deploys 20,000 Wishful Thoughts To Iraq 00:48 Tools
Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures 01:00 Tools
God Cites 'Moving In Mysterious Ways' As Motive For Killing Of 3,000 Papua New Guineans 00:48 Tools
Broke Dad Makes Son A Playstation 2 For Christmas 00:48 Tools
Astronaut Suspects NASA Using Him To Test Spaces Effects On Fat People 01:00 Tools
Congress Struggles To Come Up With Cool Name For Anti-Drug Initiative 01:00 Tools
College Student Gradually Becomes Townie 01:00 Tools
Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash 00:49 Tools
Affable Anti-Semite Thinks Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media 00:53 Tools
White House Reporter Asks How Many Mountain Dews The President Slams A Day 00:53 Tools
Misogynist Gets Laid 00:49 Tools
Report: 1998 Was Ten Fucking Years Ago 01:00 Tools
Bomb Sniffing Dog Humps Bomb Defusing Robot 00:52 Tools
Doctor Slipped A Twenty 00:53 Tools
Concerned Parents Demand Removal Of Arsenic From Periodic Table Of Elements 00:35 Tools
Historic Blockbuster Store Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Were Rented In The Past 00:53 Tools
Local Man Can Finally Take 'Buy Socks' Off To-Do List 00:53 Tools
Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night 00:53 Tools
Coroner To Work From Home Today 00:35 Tools
Dept. Of Defense Locked Out Of Pentagon Again 00:35 Tools
Ghost Of Ted Knight Signs On As New Voice Of God 00:35 Tools
Kwanzaa Holiday Sales Figures Disappointing 00:35 Tools
Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities 00:35 Tools
Californians Gather To Celebrate Annual Wildfire Tradition 00:35 Tools
Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds 00:44 Tools
Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease 00:31 Tools
Inner-City Stabbing Leaves 5 Maidless 00:31 Tools
Press Secretary's 'Zumtrel Flooby' Answer May Be Attempt To Evade Question 00:31 Tools
Jerry Lewis Undergoes Emergency Gefloigel Surgery 00:48 Tools
Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters 00:53 Tools
Mean Man Has Shut Down Candy Factory 00:39 Tools
Area Man Thinks His Insurance Company Is Awesome 00:39 Tools
Scientists Dissect Coworker To Find Out More About Scientists 00:39 Tools
Cult Leader Wants To Lead More Normal People To Their Deaths 00:39 Tools
Today Now!: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape 00:39 Tools
Bounty Officials Approve Third Ply 00:40 Tools
Weather Channel Accused of Pro-Weather Bias 00:40 Tools
Brad Pitt Signs On To Play Top Hat In Forthcoming Monopoly Movie 00:39 Tools
Michelle Obama All That Stands Between Love-Struck Media, Barack Obama 00:53 Tools
Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently 00:40 Tools
Norway Returns To Pillage-Based Economy 00:53 Tools
Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now 00:53 Tools
FCC Okays Nudity On TV If It’s Alyson Hannigan 00:53 Tools
New Auto Security System Will Not Allow Car To Start If Driver Is Nick Nolte 00:53 Tools
Party Guy Finds Party Wife 00:47 Tools
Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013 00:53 Tools
2-Year-Old Donkey Called Up To Pro Donkey Basketball League 00:53 Tools
Street-Smart Teen Dies In Library 00:53 Tools
Obama Maintains Cool Demeanor While Reading End Of 'Old Yeller' To Schoolkids 00:53 Tools
Precocious Youngster Sells Cookies To Buy Attack Ad 00:47 Tools
Anonymous Philanthropist Donates 200 Human Kidneys To Hospital 00:47 Tools
Kellogg's Worker Knew He Was Fired The Moment He Uttered The Word 'Unfrosted' 00:47 Tools
New High-Viscosity Mayo To Aid In American Swallowing 00:47 Tools
Marijuana Legalized 2 Days After Advocates Put On Neckties 00:47 Tools
Unbelievably Cool Group From High School Still Unbelievably Cool 00:53 Tools
Mysterious Traveler Entrances Town With Utopian Vision Of The Future 00:47 Tools
Reporter In Helicopter Pretty Sure Landslide Down There Somewhere 00:47 Tools
Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa 00:47 Tools
Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President 00:41 Tools
Volatile India-Pakistan Standoff Enters 11,680th Day 00:47 Tools
Chinese Officials: Deadly Virus Sweeping China Is Just Olympic Fever 00:47 Tools
Report: Dinosaurs Are Hiding 01:08 Tools
U.S. Interstate System To Create One Massive Rest Area 00:58 Tools
Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad? 01:08 Tools
Area Stylist Would Love To Do Julia Roberts' Hair 00:58 Tools
Crash Test Dummy Steers Around Wall, Drives To Freedom 00:58 Tools
President Obama Vetoes Mutant Registration Act 00:58 Tools
Space Station Crew Members Deny Throwing Things At Sweden 00:49 Tools
Roiling Mass Of Snakes To Receive 160 Billion In Government Stimulus 00:49 Tools
Area Man Bores Pants Off Date 00:49 Tools
Pentagon's Unmanned Spokesdrone Completes First Press Conference Mission 00:49 Tools
Nation Of Andorra Not In Africa, Shocked U.S. State Dept. Reports 00:49 Tools
Breaking News: Series Of Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot 00:49 Tools
As Obese Population Rises, More Candidates Courting The Fat Vote 00:49 Tools
Lazy Nation Fears Obama Will Create Millions Of Jobs 00:49 Tools
Stupid Thing Won't Work 00:49 Tools
Cat Given Benefit Of Doubt Again 00:49 Tools
Cage Match Settles Nothing 00:49 Tools
Amish Give Up 00:00 Tools
Those Damn Bluegrass Players At It Again 00:54 Tools
Woman Only Dates On National Television Now 00:45 Tools
Obama Vows To Wipe Out Llamas 00:54 Tools
Tennessee Nears Expiration Date 00:41 Tools
Area Lottery Winner Pulls Off 'Get Poor Quick' Scheme 01:00 Tools
14 Sperm Bank Workers Drown In Tragic Spill 00:54 Tools
Jetliner Briefly Passes Through Heaven 00:54 Tools
In The Know: How Can We Make The War In Iraq More Eco-Friendly? 00:41 Tools
Man Dismembered After Dying On Dominatrix's Torture Rack Would Have Wanted It That Way 00:54 Tools
U.S. To Offer Platinum-Plus Citizenship 00:41 Tools
Controversial Tell-All Book Reveals Wrestling Fans Are Fake 00:41 Tools
Bill Clinton Reveals Conjoined Twin 00:41 Tools
Everything On Area Man's Ipod Just There As A Joke 00:54 Tools
Netflix Doesn't Think Area Man Is Ready For Blue Velvet 00:41 Tools
Grape-Flavored Vodka Makes Vodka-Time More Fun 00:52 Tools
President Bush Only Has To Spend 20 Trillion To Inherit Bush Family Fortune 01:05 Tools
Elderly Woman Destroys Internet 01:05 Tools
Area Man To Give Funny T-Shirt Business A Shot 00:49 Tools
Six Flags To Scale Down Its Biggest Roller Coaster To Reflect Today's Economic Climate 00:52 Tools
Shootout Exactly What Stressed-Out Police Officer Needed 00:55 Tools
Lifetime Of Sleeping, Eating, Breathing Finally Catches Up To Area Man 00:52 Tools
Grown-Up Ferris Bueller Charms His Way Out Of Paying Child Support 01:05 Tools
Unemployed Coroner Opens Autopsy Stand 00:52 Tools
Scientists Teach Drug-Addicted Bee To Perform Oral Sex For Cocaine 00:52 Tools
Heroin Addiction Picked Up Where Area Man Left Off 00:49 Tools
Report: Dolphins Have Evolved Opposable Thumbs 00:55 Tools
Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement 00:55 Tools
Fashion Fans Enraged By New Spring Lineup 00:50 Tools
Live From Congress: Representative Wants To Rid Congress Of Gang Members 00:55 Tools
Disney Puts On Magical Parade Of Layoffs 00:55 Tools
Longtime Sexual Fantasy Awkwardly Fulfilled 00:55 Tools
Hit Man Stumbles On Totally New Way To Kill 00:49 Tools
Endless Stream Of Excuses Pours Out Of Area Man 00:49 Tools
CEO Lays Off 5,000 Workers To Impress Girlfriend 00:55 Tools
Police Detective Subjects His Own Faith In God To Rough Questioning 00:55 Tools
Collapse Of Wayne Industries Forces Batman Into Late-Night Infomercials 00:55 Tools
Home Sex Tape Watched Once 01:09 Tools
Bucket Of Rags This Year's Must-Have Christmas Item 00:45 Tools
Area Kindergartner Tackles The Shit Out Of Dream Girl 00:55 Tools
Army Holds Annual 'Bring Your Daughter To War' Day 00:49 Tools
Prayer To God Loaded With Reverse Psychology 00:59 Tools
Terrorist Recruitment Far Outpaces Army Recruitment 01:09 Tools
Disagreement Over Band Name May Break Up Area Band 00:49 Tools
North Korea Unprepared For Missile Attack On North Korea 00:49 Tools
Overburdened Dept. Of Health And Human Services Cancels Flu Season 00:59 Tools
800,000 Fijians Rescued From An Island 00:49 Tools
Area Man Feels Guilty For Hating Annoying, Gay Coworker 00:49 Tools
United Airlines Flight Crew Hits Up Passengers For Gas Money 00:59 Tools
Area Man Remains Charming For Exactly 1.999 Dates 00:54 Tools
Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger, Free iPod Industry 00:54 Tools
Butterfly Fails To Alter Course Of Human History 01:09 Tools
4 Careers Killed In Film Shooting 00:54 Tools
Area Conservationist Wastes His Breath 00:59 Tools
Craziest Thing In World Happens To Area Woman 00:59 Tools
Neptune Angered 00:59 Tools
Manifesto Suddenly Veers Into Lack Of Nearby Burrito Stands 00:59 Tools
Olde English Introduces 40-Ounce Malt Liqueur 00:44 Tools
Talking Sex Toy To Spice Up Relationships 00:41 Tools
Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again 00:59 Tools
Hillary Receives 3 a.m. Phone Call From Drunken Bill Clinton 00:59 Tools
Enormous Grace Slick Threatens California Coastline 00:41 Tools
Area Man Not For The Squeamish 00:41 Tools
Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises 00:59 Tools
News Anchor Assures Area Caller He's Not Larry 00:59 Tools
Audio Book Narrator Gets Drunk Around Chapter 13 00:58 Tools
Alabama Super-Illegalizes Gay Marriage 00:59 Tools
McCain Vows To Withdraw All Troops From The U.S. 00:59 Tools
Peeping Tom Tired Of Watching People Watch Television 00:44 Tools
U.S. To Adopt Caste System 00:58 Tools
Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show 00:00 Tools
Australian WIldfires Spur Large Increase In Flaming Animal Attacks 00:58 Tools
Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr. 00:36 Tools
New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease The Pain Of Modern Life 00:58 Tools
Vice President Joe Biden Goes On Potato-Gun Rampage 00:58 Tools
Police Plan To Pillage And Terrify Community 00:36 Tools
Millions Cheer Ball's Passage Through Hoop 00:00 Tools
God Unveils New Species As Demand For Humans Declines 00:36 Tools
Scarlett Johansson Plunges Sexily To Her Death 00:56 Tools
Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer 00:00 Tools
President Obama Gets Tangled In Coat Hangers 00:52 Tools
Voice-Activated GPS Takes 'Top Gun' Soundtrack Fan Into The Danger Zone 00:00 Tools
Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station 00:52 Tools
Bush Defends U.S. Baby-Monitoring Program 00:00 Tools
Stunned Supporter Finally Leaves McCain Victory Party 00:41 Tools
Heroic Shark Eats Child-Molesting Surfer 00:59 Tools
57 Lawmakers Feared Dead In Senate Mine Disaster 00:57 Tools
Report: Poor People Pretty Much Screwed 00:41 Tools
God Thanked For Something He Would Never Do 00:41 Tools
Assistant Manager Corrupted By Power 00:50 Tools
American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot 00:52 Tools
God Proclaims Raspberries 'Now Even More Berrilicious' 00:41 Tools
Uninspired Carpenter Just Sawing Whatever Comes To Mind 00:50 Tools
United Flight Crew Hits Up Passengers For Gas Money 00:41 Tools
Economic Crisis Traced To Bounced Check For 16 01:02 Tools
McDonald's To Post Warning Labels On Individual Fries 00:57 Tools
Benign Growth Removed From Pope Benedict's Head Now Blessing Things On Its Own 00:50 Tools
Congress Establishes New Department Of Finding Change On The Ground 00:51 Tools
NASA Embarks On First Mission To Iowa 00:51 Tools
New 26-Foot Micro Marathon Hailed As Future of Running 00:50 Tools
U.S. Finally Gets Around To Closing Last WWII Internment Camp 00:59 Tools
Hidden Valley Ranch Bombed By Balsamic Extremists 00:51 Tools
Yellowstone National Park Hires Plumber To Fix Clogged Geyser 00:50 Tools
No One At White House Knows What To Do With Old Pair Of Rumsfeld's Pants 00:51 Tools
Area Father Proves Tree Fort Is Not As Strong As Son Claims 00:50 Tools
48-Hour Internet Outage Plunges Nation Into Productivity 00:51 Tools
Area Mooning Goes Unnoticed 00:51 Tools
Report: Christmas Suicides Come Earlier Every Year 00:51 Tools
McCain Captures Wild Delegates Roaming Western Plains 00:50 Tools
Department Of Transportation To Add Earth-Friendly Walking Lanes To Highways 00:51 Tools
Only Gay Guy In The Office Says He's Not The Only Gay Guy In The Office 00:50 Tools
20-Page Stapling Ends In Tragedy 00:51 Tools
Hypothermic Stripper Nearly Dies Inside Ice-Cream Cake 00:50 Tools
Area Man Gets Badass Community Service Tattoo 00:51 Tools
Minister Constantly Mentions Teenage Son's Virginity 00:51 Tools
Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early 00:51 Tools
Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times 00:48 Tools
President Bush Designates 1 Million Acres For Federally Protected Water Parks 00:48 Tools
Upscale Sharks Go Into Tasting Frenzy 00:51 Tools
Large Hadron Collider Detects Elusive 'Lady Particle' 00:51 Tools
Local Man's Seizure Was Coolest Thing Anyone's Ever Seen 00:39 Tools
Giant Protest Puppet Kills Dozens Of Peace Drummers 00:51 Tools
Movie Star To Raise Awareness About Dying Like Moron After Son Dies Like Moron 00:51 Tools
Startled Print Consultant Shoots Ink At Coworkers 00:48 Tools
Army Platoon Hires Day Laborers To Fill Out Patrols 00:48 Tools
International Petty Art Thief Steals Hotel-Room Painting 00:53 Tools
Fat Man Killed In Wicker Chair Disaster 00:39 Tools
Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying From Infants 00:53 Tools
Applebee's Manager Stops By To See How Takeout Is Going 00:39 Tools
Viking God Odin Down To Last 4 Worshipers 00:51 Tools
Search Area For Remote-Controlled Plane Expanded To Bushes 00:39 Tools
Obama Calls On Nation To Put In One Solid Day Of Work 00:53 Tools
Area Woman Finds Nude Sculpture Of Herself At Shady Art Show 00:51 Tools
Patrick Duffy To Take Some Quality Patrick Duffy Time 00:53 Tools
Intern Sent To Testify Before Congress For The Experience 00:48 Tools
Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Adapted Into Full-Length Film 00:48 Tools
Rubik's Cube Solved With Hammer 00:48 Tools
Lazy Scientists Discover New Cable Channel 00:48 Tools
National Pork Council Says Many Americans Suffering From Pork Deficiency 00:37 Tools
Social Security Scam Robs Elderly By Convincing Them They Are Dead 00:46 Tools
Chocolate Factory Switches To All-Tourist Labor 00:53 Tools
Local Cow Has Exceptional Milk Day 00:37 Tools
President Obama Takes Ride In FDR's Wheelchair 00:37 Tools
Earth Explodes 00:48 Tools
2-Week Bender Just Flies By 00:39 Tools
Area Man Prepares For Risky 20-Page Stapling 00:53 Tools
New Car Alarm Attacks Thieves' Self-Esteem 00:37 Tools
Lost Ukrainian Kills At Open-Mic Night 00:37 Tools
Homeless Scientists Unveil World's First Hobotron 00:37 Tools
Guys Night Out To Feature Several Key Non-Guys 00:53 Tools
Future: News From The Year 2137 Trailer 00:37 Tools
Goodyear Unveils New Circular Tires 00:37 Tools
Collectible-Plate Industry Calls For Tragic Death Of Barbra Streisand 01:03 Tools
Carnival Cruise Line Captain To Explore The Everglades 00:37 Tools
Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That 00:49 Tools
Oncologist Keeps Variety Of Citrus Fruits To Use As Visual Aids 00:37 Tools
Department Of Justice Adds Mounted Prosecutors 00:46 Tools
New HBO Kidz Channel To Air Uncensored Children's Programming 00:37 Tools
Millions Of Voters Refuse To Exit Polls 00:37 Tools
Cheney Re-Grows Limb In Front Of Shocked Advisers 00:46 Tools
Firearms Enthusiast Can't Believe He Has Actual Desert Eagle Pointed At His Head 00:49 Tools
Niagara Falls Discontinues Famous Plunging School Bus Ride 00:53 Tools
New Martha Stewart Recipe A Message To Enemies 00:37 Tools
Congressional Swap Meet Erupts In Chaos 00:53 Tools
Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet' 00:54 Tools
Democrats Get A Whole New Look For Spring 00:49 Tools
Anecdote Retired After 8 Years Of Stellar Service 00:53 Tools
You Now President Of Argentina 00:49 Tools
Bakery Held Hostage By Child Picking Out Donuts 00:49 Tools
God's Gift To Women Returned 00:49 Tools
Warren Buffett Finds 30 Million In Change In Couch 00:49 Tools
Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot 00:56 Tools
Child Of Polygamists Receives Fourth Sex Talk 00:51 Tools
God Smites Area Man For Distracting Him From Tree Frogs 00:49 Tools
Vice President Cheney Seen Dragging Egg Sac Through West Wing 00:54 Tools
World's Dietitians Urge America To Reduce Its Mayonnaise Footprint 00:51 Tools
Nervous Afghan Thinks Every American With Fake Beard Works For CIA 00:53 Tools
New Heart-Shaped Sniper Scope Makes It Impossible For Marines To Shoot Enemies 00:49 Tools
Former Movie Star Remains Comatose Following Career-Reviving Car Crash 00:51 Tools
Area Man Really Should Do Something About That Shattered Thighbone 00:51 Tools
Fleet Of Alien Destroyers Demand Details Of Obama's Universal Health Care Plan 00:49 Tools
Vast Array Of Lip Balm Options Paralyzes Area Shopper 00:56 Tools
Weeklong Dishwasher Failure Forces Man To Drink Out Of Muffin Tray 00:49 Tools
Brass Section Sucking Up To Conductor Again 00:52 Tools
Annoying Ad Turns Man Pro-Whaling 00:52 Tools
Bush's Approval Rating Remains High On eBay 00:52 Tools
Former President Bill Clinton Becomes Pure Energy 00:54 Tools
Area Woman Thought Motherhood Would Be A Breeze After Raising 4 cats 00:51 Tools
Amateur Balloonist Accidently Floats Around World 00:54 Tools
Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author 00:54 Tools
Child So Stupid She Sees Letters Backwards 00:52 Tools
Sales Team Transforms Itself Into Giant Robot Sales Tiger 00:52 Tools
Bioengineers Outsmarted By Strain Of Intelligent Wheat 00:54 Tools
In The Know: Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists? 00:56 Tools
Scientists Say Stuff-Shaking Reaching Dangerous Levels 00:52 Tools
Entire U.S. Stealing Cable TV From Greg 00:52 Tools
China Recalls Everything 00:54 Tools
Surgeons Successfully Reconstruct Man's Face Using Leftover Fingers 00:55 Tools
Bag Of Chips Explodes On Its Own 00:54 Tools
Iranian Jaywalker Sentenced To Public Graveling 00:55 Tools
President Bush Accidentally Signs Cast Into Law 00:54 Tools
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids 00:51 Tools
FBI Agent Is Pretty Cool 00:59 Tools
Biden Invites Nation's Women To Tax Code Discussion At Private Mountain Chalet 00:52 Tools
Fit Of Anger Turns Dairy Farmer Into Beef Farmer 00:52 Tools
Rubenesque Woman Has Picassoesque Face 00:52 Tools
New Super Bladder Improves Urination 00:52 Tools
Entire Planet Feels Like It's Being Watched 00:52 Tools
Global Economy Faces New Threat From Below 00:52 Tools
Area Man Picks Wrong Time For Leukemia 00:52 Tools
Romantic Hostage Negotiator Offers Bank Robbers Moon And Stars 00:59 Tools
Four-Year Descent Into Complete Self-Obsession Live-Blogged 00:56 Tools
Former American Gladiator Still Insists Friends Call Him Turbo 00:52 Tools
U.S.-Owned General Motors Produces Pelosi-Boehner Hatchback 00:54 Tools
Space Suit Still Smells Like Wet Astronaut 00:52 Tools
U.S. Economy Gunned Down In Gas Station Robbery 00:52 Tools
Latest Poll Reveals 430 New Demographics That Will Decide Election 00:52 Tools
Village In Nepal Constructed Entirely Of Frozen Mountain Climbers 00:52 Tools
Bush Goes Blonde For Remainder Of Presidency 00:52 Tools
New Wonder Drug Gets Users Higher Than Hell 00:54 Tools
McDonald's Birthday Party To Be Happiest Time In Child's Life 00:52 Tools
Microwavable Steak Renews Area Man's Faith In Humanity 00:54 Tools
Entire Oil Rig Searches For Lost Pizza Cutter 00:52 Tools
'Cat Fancy' Magazine Blasts Area Kitten 00:52 Tools
Amateur Assassin Slits Throat From Ear To Nose 00:52 Tools
Party Called A Success After Guy Seen Puking Out Of Car Window 00:52 Tools
President Obama Holds Surprise Rooftop Press Conference 00:52 Tools
Gingerbread Man Assassination Triggers All-Out Baking War 00:37 Tools
Researchers Discover Massive Asshole In Blogosphere 00:59 Tools
Crazy Uncle Makes Good Point About Bitch Aunt 00:52 Tools
Body Found In Last Place Police Thought To Look 00:52 Tools
ATT Lays Off 30,000 Automated Operators 00:52 Tools
Palin Family Just Sitting Around Living Room Eating Jerky 00:37 Tools
Stock Market Unsure How To React To Boron Shortage 00:52 Tools
People Saying 'Happy Spring Holiday' Just to Piss Off Bill O'Reilly 00:52 Tools
Fred Schneider Delivers Jarring Commencement Speech 00:52 Tools
Onion Radio News For Kids 00:44 Tools
Man On Couch Reports Dwindling Supply Of Chips 00:50 Tools
Vengeful Pilot Vows To Hunt Down Turbulence 01:04 Tools
McDonalds Unveils New All-Beef Bun 00:37 Tools
Obama Takes Surprise Caller During Weekly Radio Address 00:50 Tools
Area Woman To Award Herself To Winner Of Barroom Brawl 01:04 Tools
Pack Of Chimps In Tuxedos Crashes Nobel Prize Dinner 00:57 Tools
Diabetic Roommate Uses All The Insulin Again 00:49 Tools
Robert Duvall Believes Group With Sexual Fetish For Robert Duvall Is Out There Somewhere 00:49 Tools
Your Cousin Says Prison Food 'Not So Bad' 00:49 Tools
New High-Tech Laugh-O-Meter Can Measure 11,000th Of A Titter 00:55 Tools
Local Man Buys Ford Focus Just To Use Dealer's Men's Room 00:44 Tools
Robbie Knievel Plans Transcontinental Wheelie 00:44 Tools
Obama Voicemail Message Not That Inspiring 01:04 Tools
Passover Seder Half-Assed 00:52 Tools
Child Raised By Wolves Released Back Into Wild 00:52 Tools
Nicole Richie Attempts To Do Whatever She Does On Her Own 00:52 Tools
Ebert And Roeper Develop Highly Unstable Movie Rating 00:52 Tools
Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man 00:44 Tools
Kidnappers Running Out Of Fingers To Send 00:50 Tools
Area Showoff Sets Sights On Hula Hoop 00:50 Tools
Father's Ghost Still Neglects His Daughter 00:49 Tools
New Flavored Fork Adds Taste Of Ham To Every Meal 00:52 Tools
Prematurely Born-Again Christian Suffers Complications 00:52 Tools
Red Lobster Introduces New Jellyfish Sting-A-Roos 01:01 Tools
Camp Counselors Arrive Early For 2 Weeks Of Sex 01:01 Tools
Obama Accused of High-Sticking In Bicameral Hockey Playoffs 01:01 Tools
Sex-Crazed Dandelion Cross-Pollinates Entire Neighborhood 01:01 Tools
Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School 00:44 Tools
Accident Reconstructionist A Hit At Family Reunion 00:56 Tools
Workaholic Wakes Up In Pool Of Own Paperwork 00:52 Tools
Secretary Of Transportation Reports He Was Just About To Say That 00:51 Tools
Nightlight Fails To Stop Monster 00:40 Tools
North Korean Spies Issued Silver Jumpsuits To Avoid Discovery 00:40 Tools
Area Dog Can No Longer Be Trusted 00:40 Tools
Pope Stays Up All Night Telling God About Trip To America 00:54 Tools
Jet Li Hugs 3 Friends At Once 00:54 Tools
Area Father Fails To Forcibly Refold Map 00:52 Tools
White House Sance Fails To Contact Spirit Of Ronald Reagan 00:54 Tools
Nebraska Lawmakers Ban Sex In Grain Elevators 00:56 Tools
Newly Disabled Paraplegic Wants To Know If He'll Be Able To...You Know 00:55 Tools
Everything That's Ever Been Popular To Be Turned Into Broadway Musicals 00:54 Tools
McCain Unveils Plan For National Soup Pipeline 00:56 Tools
Area Man Traces Bad Eating Habits Back 6 Generations 00:54 Tools
Imaginary Rock Band Causes Real Falling Out Among Friends 00:57 Tools
Pacifist Rooster Is Torn Apart In Cockfight 00:40 Tools
New Low-Calorie Sheep Bred To Combat Wolf Obesity 00:55 Tools
Donatella Versace Lays Deposit Of Sleek Leather Pouches 00:55 Tools
Angry FCC Fudging Tired Of All This Sugar 00:51 Tools
City Places Orange Traffic Cones Around Space-Time Portal 00:55 Tools
Area Man's Longest Finger Selected For Mission To Bottom Of Peanut Jar 00:56 Tools
Area Man Suspicious Of Subway Wrap 00:56 Tools
Ngyuen Thi Buch Thuy: 'Just Give Me The Damn Sepak Takraw Ball' 00:56 Tools
China Bans Release Of Carbon Dioxide By Citizens 00:56 Tools
President Bush Unveils New 'Impotence Only' Sex Policy 01:00 Tools
Astronauts Suffer Agonizing, High-Pitched Death After Helium Leak 01:00 Tools
Faith Healer Calls In Faith Gastroenterologist 00:52 Tools
Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link 00:51 Tools
New Study Shows Progress Made By Broads 00:40 Tools
U.S. Fat Reserves Full 00:36 Tools
Area Dullard Opts For Vocational School 00:36 Tools
Family Heirloom Passed Down To Pawn Shop Owner 01:00 Tools
Shoot And Release Program Catches On With Hunters 00:36 Tools
County Officials Call Newborn's Exposure To Second-Rate Classical Music 'Child Abuse' 00:58 Tools
Having Pool Table In Bar A Terrible Idea 00:36 Tools
Spelling Bee Winner Fails To Spell Way Out Of Schoolyard Beating 00:53 Tools
Selfish Scientists Won't Share New Findings 00:53 Tools
Florida Woman Getting Pale For Vacation In Minnesota 00:55 Tools
Bush Picks Laser Background For Presidential Portrait 01:02 Tools
Sci-Fi Channel Launches Battlestar Galactica: Miami 01:02 Tools
Choir Deployed To Local Senior Center 00:52 Tools
Two-Week Bender Just Flies By 00:56 Tools
Fitness Researchers Hail Discovery Of New Ab 00:56 Tools
Congress Passes Amendment Guaranteeing Right To Chicken Done Right 00:41 Tools
Georgia Decriminalizes Public Urination 01:02 Tools
Insurance Company Sets Value Of John Mayer's Hands At Just Under 38 00:53 Tools
Alphabetizing Project Abandoned At 'M' 00:55 Tools
Bail Money Factored Into Vacation Fund 00:53 Tools
Scientists Discover Pumpkin-Pie-Based Cancer Cure 00:55 Tools
Chrysler Bags Together Day-Old Sebrings For Discount 00:53 Tools
Challenging New Iraq War Video Game Will Take 14 Years To Play 01:00 Tools
Federal Reserve Announces Emergency Release Of Butterflies 00:57 Tools
Sophomore Senator Can't Wait To Move Out Of Congressional Housing 00:56 Tools
United Nations Condemns Inhumane Tourist Traps 01:03 Tools
Green Giant Celebrates Canning Of One Trillionth Pea 00:56 Tools
Neighbor Asked To Keep Glass-Shattering Down 01:03 Tools
Nation Fills Up On Bread 01:02 Tools
American Bar Association Recalls 230,000 Defective Lawyers 00:53 Tools
Auto Dealer Saving All The Good Cars For Himself 00:45 Tools
Bear Searches For Food Inside Backpacker 01:02 Tools
Drunk Physicists Write Equations All Over Passed-Out Colleague's Face 01:02 Tools
God Returns From 2-Millennium-Long Vacation 01:02 Tools
Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase 00:57 Tools
Convicted Forger Freed By Presidential Pardon 00:54 Tools
Organic Hunter Relies On Chronic Wasting Disease To Kill Deer 01:03 Tools
Entire Day Wasted Searching For Baby 00:40 Tools
Russian-Folk-Festival Crowd Unknowingly Claps Along To Ode To Sodomy 00:52 Tools
Roommate Invited To Join Suicide Pact Out Of Politeness 01:02 Tools
Belief In Guitar God Gets Area Guitarist Through Each Day 01:02 Tools
Evacuation Plan Includes Foosball Table 01:01 Tools
Iran May Be Developing Lottery Technology 01:06 Tools
Swiss End Neutrality Toward Delectable Pastries 00:40 Tools
PepsiCo Marketing Mix-up Results In Lemon-Lime Doritos 00:41 Tools
Second Tattoo Is Added To Explain First Tattoo 00:52 Tools
Airline Cuts Costs By Becoming Terrible Airline 00:56 Tools
9th Pair Of Doublemint Twins Is Dead 00:45 Tools
Depressed Carpet Cleaner Turns Vacuum On Himself 00:41 Tools
Tales Of Long-Past Managerial Triumph Ring Out From Area Sauna 00:52 Tools
Investigators Still Sorting Out 4-Hearse Crash 00:55 Tools
Hundreds Of Musicians Removed From Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame For Drug Use 00:57 Tools
Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere' 00:56 Tools
West Virginia Holds Its First Pronunciation Bee 00:56 Tools
New Blog Gives Much Needed Look Into World Of Geoff 01:01 Tools
Director Decides Against Casting Method Actor In 'Director Killer' Role 00:54 Tools
Chicago Out Of Names For Subdivisions 00:52 Tools
Four Careers Killed In Film Shooting 01:06 Tools
Omaha Man Will Probably Stay In Omaha For Another Year Or Two 00:54 Tools
Cruel Owner Deprives Laptop Of Sleep 00:41 Tools
Whaler Sandwich Not Sitting Too Good With Area Man 00:46 Tools
Former Tallest Kid In Class Should Have Done More With It 00:46 Tools
Mrs. Butterworth Scientists Engineer More Absorbent Pancake 00:52 Tools
China Leaks Preemptive Apology For Shooting Down Space Shuttle 00:52 Tools
Lobbyist Gets Candy On Food Pyramid 00:46 Tools
Janis Joplin's Spirit Found Dead Of Another Drug Overdose 00:54 Tools
Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge Of International Fame 00:54 Tools
Stripper From Future Jumps Out Of Birthday Cake To Warn Humanity 01:06 Tools
SWAT Team Leader Uses Wrong Hand Signal Again 01:01 Tools
AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans 00:52 Tools
Chimp Study On Human Response To Feces-Hurling Nears Completion 00:45 Tools
Neighborly Days Inn Guest Brings Welcome Basket To New People Across Hall 00:45 Tools
Calvin Klein To Build Runway Control Tower After Tragic Five-Model Pileup 00:46 Tools
91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving 00:52 Tools
Drowning Super Model Rescued To Death 00:54 Tools
God Checks Into Mayo Clinic For Routine Physical 00:46 Tools
85 Of U.S. Coleslaw Remains Uneaten 00:45 Tools
Another Piece Of Drum Kit Claimed By Recession 00:53 Tools
Wal-Mart's Prices Undercut By Wal-Mart Dumpster 00:57 Tools
Detroit Picked To Hold 2016 Thunderdome 00:46 Tools
Ants Demand 23.9-Hour Workday 00:46 Tools
Area Man Regrets Going Into Snifter Business 00:57 Tools
Grown Woman Flirts At Grade School Level 00:57 Tools
Apology To Area Dog Insincere 00:53 Tools
Congress Overrun By Wolves 00:53 Tools
Area Islamic Militant All Talk 00:46 Tools
Sexy Alien Does Not Understand This Thing Humans Call 'Love' 00:46 Tools
Recession Forces U.S. To Dip Into Guam 00:58 Tools
Maker Of Dixie Cups Debuts New Line Of Paper Cookware 00:57 Tools
Voice Recognition Software Yelled At 00:57 Tools
Pacific Island Volcano Erupts With Force Of 300 Vin Diesels 00:57 Tools
Area Man Forced Into Jehovah's Witness Protection Program 00:52 Tools
Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day 00:46 Tools
New KFC Employee Takes Fry-Q Test In Employee Manual 00:54 Tools
U.S. Airliner Sajacked 00:43 Tools
Struggling Cleveland Zoo Hosts All-You-Can-Eat Penguin Fundraiser 00:43 Tools
Man Who Didn't Get Enough Feta Riots Outside Greek Embassy 00:55 Tools
Hubble Space Telescope Destroyed By Spielberg-Gates Space Fortress 00:42 Tools
International Star Registry Accidentally Renames Sun 'Margaret' 00:55 Tools
Smuggler Swallows Condom Full Of Cuban Cigars 01:00 Tools
Area Man Still Waiting For Those Extra Napkins 00:52 Tools
Bumbling Employee Brings Shame To Entire Long John Silver's Family 00:58 Tools
Town Loses All Hope After Closing Cheesecake Factory 00:46 Tools
Vice President Cheney Burns Down White House Aviary 00:58 Tools
Brendan's Brother Reports 'Brendan Is So Dead' 01:04 Tools
Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays 01:04 Tools
Gold Medalist Michael Phelps Signs Up To Endorse Pool Noodles 00:54 Tools
Panicked Diver Forgets Everything Except Capital Of Delaware 00:51 Tools
Psychological Evaluation Eaten 00:49 Tools
Pregnant Circus Geek Now Biting Heads Off Chicken For Two 01:08 Tools
Mexico Announces Plans To Refry Over 700 Million Beans 00:49 Tools
God Admits He's Addicted To Babies 00:57 Tools
New Species Of Lobster May Have Come From Outer Space 00:55 Tools
Stripper-Cop Brutality Case Goes All The Way To Stripper Supreme Court 00:55 Tools
New High School Alumni Make Successful Use Of Vague Graduation Advice 00:55 Tools
Army Of Dead Has No Problem Meeting Recruitment Goal 00:52 Tools
Progressive Congressman Promotes Bill In 78 Time 00:58 Tools
Daredevil Cutup To Attempt 5-Story Pratfall 00:58 Tools
Phil's Party Reminds Area Man Why He Doesn't Go To Phil's Parties 00:52 Tools
Entire Coffee Cake Consumed Over Trash Can 00:59 Tools
Area Man To Raise Dead Brother's Plants As His Own 00:52 Tools
Dutch Anti-Defamation League Closes 00:55 Tools
Widow Out-Mourned 00:59 Tools
Mysteriocrats Nominate Shadowy Figure For President 00:53 Tools
ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year 00:57 Tools
Area Man's Pleasing Aroma Will Be Missed 00:57 Tools
Hostage Taken Out For Night On The Town 00:54 Tools
Man Accidently Ends Business Call With 'I Love You' 00:57 Tools
Defective Ouija Board Reviews Local Thai Restaurants 01:00 Tools
Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage 00:57 Tools
No U.S. Military Leader Is Worthy To Be Namesake Of Breaded Chicken Dish 01:02 Tools
Tropical Storm Brings Deadly Cloud Of Worthless Knickknacks Up The East Coast 01:02 Tools
Richard Branson Purchases Remainder Of North Pole 00:57 Tools
Biologists Apologize For Release Of Giant Winged Serpents 01:02 Tools
Ronald Reagan Prime Suspect In Bank Robbery 00:58 Tools
Rowdy Teens Take Over Local Perkins 00:52 Tools
Terror Plot Foiled By Pure Luck 00:56 Tools
Unexpected Pregnancy Breaks Monotony Of Menstrual Cycle 00:57 Tools
Miss Nude America Loses Title After Appearing Clothed In 'Woman's Day' 01:03 Tools
Area Cousin Graduates To Little Fanfare 00:31 Tools
Run-Down Amusement Park Owner Now Lives Out Of Bumper Car 00:57 Tools
911 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says 00:31 Tools
McCain Puts Father-Son Junkyard Business Into Blind Trust 00:58 Tools
Elderly Man Wages War On Area Pharmacy 00:59 Tools
Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot 00:54 Tools
New 'Gatorade Slow' Targets Lazy Demographic 00:57 Tools
Solar-Power Technology Still Largely Confined To Calculators 00:57 Tools
Sexy Nurse Having Trouble Finding Halloween Costume 00:48 Tools
Area Man Will Remember Unanswered Prayer Next Time God Needs His Help 00:58 Tools
Conservationist Wastes His Breath 00:58 Tools
Investigators Still Sorting Out Four-Hearse Crash 00:56 Tools
Night Watchman Keeps Jay Leno Under Close Surveillance 00:31 Tools
Area Volcano Erupts Into Cup For Seismologist 00:57 Tools
Champagne Is Drained From Business Community Pool 00:31 Tools
New DNA Evidence Forces Investigators To Reopen Nancy Drew Mystery 01:03 Tools
'Shark Whisperer' Missing At Sea 00:56 Tools
U.S. Department of Homeland Security Unveils National Evacuation Plan 00:59 Tools
Hard Times Hit Springsteenville 00:48 Tools
'Scientific American' Somehow Makes A Woman Feel Bad About Her Body 00:48 Tools
Homicidal Surgeon General May Be Hazardous To Your Health 00:42 Tools
Laser Light Show Panned By Laserati 00:42 Tools
Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop 00:48 Tools
Dead Whale Buried In Aquarium's Backyard 00:48 Tools
Mitt Romney Defends Himself Against Allegations Of Tolerance 00:48 Tools
Muse Commands Area Man To Draw Naked Barbarian Girls 00:57 Tools
Graduation Speech Suggests Valedictorian Is Pregnant 00:56 Tools
NASA Completes Earth Sock 00:35 Tools
Area 18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harassed In The Workplace 00:48 Tools
Santa Fe Terminator Franchise Releases Southwestern Version Of Film 00:48 Tools
Man Who Lost Leg To Whale Decides To Let It Go 00:48 Tools
CIA's Plot To Wait Out Fidel Castro's Regime Comes To Fruition 00:48 Tools
Borrowed Stapler Returned With Bite Marks On It 00:48 Tools
Congress Calls For Removal Of Land Mines From Congress 01:03 Tools
46,000 Vacuumed Out Of White House Couch 00:53 Tools
President Bush Gives Zambia Emergency Cell Phone 00:56 Tools
Lucky Dead Student Gets Own Page In Yearbook 00:59 Tools
New Strain Of Alan Starzinski Flu Traced Back To Alan Starzinski 00:35 Tools
Breakthrough Heinz Bottle Shoots Ketchup With Laser-Like Precision 00:56 Tools
Amtrak's New Lady Train Debuts 00:35 Tools
If There's A Ferret Heaven, Area Woman's Dead Ferret Is In it 00:48 Tools
NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team 00:35 Tools
Mechanical Pencils Turn On Their Human Overlords 00:58 Tools
Asteroid Crashes Earth Day Celebration, Leaving Millions Dead 00:56 Tools
35 Years Of Manhood Summoned To Open Tight Bottle Cap 00:51 Tools
Authorities Called In To Examine Suspicious-Looking Ham 00:35 Tools
Outgoing First Lady Laura Bush Shows Michelle Obama Secret White House Bone Closet 00:51 Tools
Researcher Secures Funding To Harass Living Shit Out Of Puffer Fish 00:56 Tools
Sharper Image Vows 'We Will Be Undersold' 00:56 Tools
Rising Gravy Breaks Through Potato Dam 00:57 Tools
Dry Cleaner Breaks One-Hour Martinizing Barrier 00:57 Tools
San Diego Zoo Acquires Chinese Man 00:51 Tools
Sudden Ominous Music Heard Across U.S., Nation Panicking 00:51 Tools
Wealthy Housewife Learns Spanish For Some Reason 00:57 Tools
Nation Gears Up For Annual Carny Migration 00:51 Tools
Everything Midas CEO Touches Turns To Mufflers 00:57 Tools
New Alternative Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070 00:57 Tools
New U.S. Smiley-Face Dollar To Boost Economy 00:52 Tools
U.S. Citizens Protest Mexi-Canadian Overpass 00:49 Tools
Visiting Priest Shows Family How Grace Is Done 01:16 Tools
Technical Preschool Teaches Welding To Kids 01:16 Tools
Highest Blender Setting Successfully Drowns Out Jamba Juice Employee 00:57 Tools
Man Covered In Flour, Chicken Feathers Has Everything Under Control 01:16 Tools
New Beer Brand Claims To Be Colder Than Other Beer Brands 00:53 Tools
Optimist's Coffin Half Full 00:49 Tools
Tom Cruise Removes Baby Pictures From Tabloid Magazines With High-Level Mental Powers 00:49 Tools
U.S. Changes Motto To 'America…We're Gonna Make Ya Smile' 01:16 Tools
Sea-Monkeys Claimed As Dependents 00:49 Tools
Honest Pizza Place Admits To Making 19th Best Pizza 01:16 Tools
Record Number Of Americans Settling For Sex At Home 01:16 Tools
Marriage Of 2 Celebrities To Bring Prosperity To Both Families 00:51 Tools
Majority Of Worlds Spam Email Originates From Tiny Nation Of Koy4goff 00:49 Tools
Giant Greenhouse Built Over Nation Blamed For Climate Change 00:53 Tools
Vacationing Teen Introduces Wilco To West Indies 00:56 Tools
Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty 00:56 Tools
Fancy Home Defibrillator Used Only Once 00:58 Tools
Baldwin Institute Successfully Maps Baldwin Genome 00:50 Tools
U.S. Mayo Reserves Are Running Out 01:03 Tools
All-Natural Food Preservative Causes All-Natural Cancer 00:40 Tools
New Fragrance To Evoke Mystery And Passion 00:40 Tools
Area Man Not At All Pleased To Be In Lion Costume 00:49 Tools
Executive's Child Makes Unsolicited Bid For Affection 00:53 Tools
New Denim Jacket Bolsters Consumer Self-Confidence 00:56 Tools
Vin Diesel Forces Film Institute To Honor Him 00:50 Tools
President Bush Decides The U.S. Will Fight The Terrorists In Ohio 00:50 Tools
Bananas Sweep Primates' Choice Awards Again 00:50 Tools
Arby's Debuts New Postapocalyptic Sandwich Deals 00:50 Tools
Alpha Yam Resists Being Candied 00:50 Tools
Russia Takes Control Of Struggling Burger King Chain 00:48 Tools
Enterprising Dog Opens Own Kennel 00:48 Tools
Time Warner CEO Announces Plans To Merge With Secretary 00:45 Tools
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The Onion News Network, encompasing the former separate divisions of the Onion Radio News as well as its video and print divisions, presents a single hard-hitting news story per day, an audio version of the same award-winning coverage The Onion is known for in its print and online versions. Doyle Redland (Recent Onion annual poetry contest winner) is the tough-as-nails anchorman who millions have learned to trust as his soothing voice describes the most crucial happenings of the day. It's free to download from The Onion. Read more on Last.fm. User-contributed text is available under the Creative Commons By-SA License; additional terms may apply.

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